It makes me kinda sad that my blogspot theme is so much better than my tumblr theme but I can't get my tumblr theme like this one wah

I would seriously do anything for one of these bags, I love them so much. I've recently started overusing my polyvore, and I keep finding all these amazing things that I want more than anything. I need a job.

I'm so bored atm. I wish I had a job so I could buy all the pretty clothes I want.

This is practically my dream outfit, someone buy me it all please?

rtbsdgdbf by grizzlytales featuring black denim shorts

A lot of the time when I make a look on polyvore, I'll start with one or two items that I like/want and just build whatever around it, but with this it's all items that I really really want. 
The top is only £5 + about £5 p&p, and my mom almost bought it for me today but didn't, I was so upset, I swear aha. 
I've got two pairs of creepers, a black 3 inch platform ones and the white non-suede version of these, but I've always wanted blue ones and decided a month or so ago that if I get another pair I'll get blue ones. 
I've wanted the Urban Outfitters headphones for foreeeever, and I've needed a new pair of plain black shorts for even longer. 

So yeah. Somebody should buy me this whole outfit pleeease. <3

yrnfsdgrbrfsb [Another new Polyvore look that I reeally want]

yrnfsdgrbrfsb by grizzlytales featuring maryjane shoes

I'm obsessed with mary janes, I love them so much, I won't be happy until I have a pair, they're so amazing. I want the doc marten ones, but I found these amazing ones on etsy with flames on the toe, amazing. I need a job. 
I also love the sheer maxi skirts, I was gonna bid on one on ebay but it went from less than £1 to £10+ in the last ten minutes or so and I wasn't bothered, but I'll have one someday, I swear. 
Also, I want a new septum piercing, I've got a black horseshoe ring atm and I just have it flipped up all the time, I was a silver ring with a black ball so baaad.
-sigh- first world pains :-(

I would do terrible terrible things for this outfit.

well, i guess this is growing up by theysaidyourehideous featuring antipast socks

I saw this look on polyvore and ugh, I'm in love, I keep going back to it, the shoes, the bag, the simple top/shorts. I need it. Even the title/album are perfect. I love it I love it I love it.  

Dyed my hair and cut my fringe.

My hair is now a darkish pinky-puple colour, and I have a box fringe again, which I think I like, but will like more once it grows out a bit.

I would like this outfit for christmas, please. [New Polyvore Looks]

 
I would like this outfit for christmas, please. by grizzlytales featuring knit tops

I came up with this completely by accident, but I love it. I never would have thought I'd be so in love with an outfit made up mostly of orange, but I am. Waaant. 

rthersgrg [New Polyvore Looks]

rthersgrg by grizzlytales featuring black white jewelry

I took this picture earlier today after I cut my fringe. I always overcut it and make it really short but it doesn't really bother me because it's easier than cutting it every few weeks.

I bought this awesome jacket from a charity shop earlier and I love it but it’s really puffy so I’m worried I’ll look fat or something but idk idk it’s so pretty :-))

This past week I have:

• Gone xmas shopping a few times (only managed to find about half the things I went out to find)
• Played with my new kitten
• Met up with my bf
• Gone to a “taster day” for the Princes Trust programme, which I’ll hopefully be starting in january, and then I’ll hopefully get a job after that with their help
•  
•  
•  
• Yeah I think that’s about it, but I can’t really remember.

Some of my polyvore "outfits"

 

I already have a some of the stuff (e.g. the creepers and the sweaters in the second look) but I mostly don't, and some of the things I wouldn't actually wear I was just putting it together for the sake of it (the bottom one). I would like the top outfit the most please oh my god it's so good.  I want all the shoes ahaha, the shoes were the first thing I chose when putting them together.

Me and my bf might be getting this kitten

how
cute
is
that
!!!!!!

☯☯☯☯☯☯☯

 

My leggings came in the post yesterdaaay. I'm happy. I know this picture is really lame but I really wanted to take a picture in them. I'm in love with them. I wish they were a little bit longer though so I could wear my creepers with them, they cut off right above my ankle because they're a japanese XS aha. 

http://lookbook.nu/look/2738239-

A few weeks ago I had this dream that I had a birthmark on the inside of my upper arm, it was about the size of my palm and I knew every detail of it so well, I didn't think anything of it when I woke up, but then I looked at my arm and remembered I didn't actually have a birthmark there, and I felt really weird after that. Now every time I look at my arm I feel like I should have a birthmark there. I feel like if I believed in reincarnation then I'd probably assume I had a birthmark there in a past life.
Shit, so I just looked at my arm where it was, and there's a tiny little birthmark, like y'know the little brown dots aha. I think that's pretty cool. I mean I'm sure there's some genius out there who'd love to point out to me that I've probably noticed it before and that's why it was there in the dream, but idk. I'd like to think it's something better than that.

♞♞♞♞♞♞♞

Decided to start using my lookbook again. (Obviously the one day I decide this will be the day lookbook decides to crash, but yeah)

It makes me kinda sad that I went to an all girls school and we never had a prom because I think it would have been nice to go to one.

Like we had a party at the end of year 11 and most people got all dressed up for it but not the way you get dressed up for a prom and some kids hired a limo for some reason but yeah at the end of the day it was basically just a primary school disco.

I could have taken Jordan and he'd wear something fancy and everyone could tell him how beautiful he is with his long blonde hair, and I'd have worn a green velvet dress and doc martins and black lipstick and brought vodka in a water bottle.
I feel like I missed out because I didn't get to go to a prom aha.
It's actually making me feel completely miserable thinking about it.

 

"And I want to play hide-and-seek and give you my clothes and tell you I like your shoes and sit on the steps while you take a bath and massage your neck and kiss your feet and hold your hand and go for a meal and not mind when you eat my food and meet you at Rudy’s and talk about the day and type your letters and carry your boxes and laugh at your paranoia and give you tapes you don’t listen to and watch great films and watch terrible films and complain about the radio and take pictures of you when you’re sleeping and get up to fetch you coffee and bagels and Danish and go to Florent and drink coffee at midnight and have you steal my cigarettes and never be able to find a match and tell you about the the programme I saw the night before and take you to the eye hospital and not laugh at your jokes and want you in the morning but let you sleep for a while and kiss your back and stroke your skin and tell you how much I love your hair your eyes your lips your neck your breasts your arse your
and sit on the steps smoking till your neighbour comes home and sit on the steps smoking till you come home and worry when you’re late and be amazed when you’re early and give you sunflowers and go to your party and dance till I’m black and be sorry when I’m wrong and happy when you forgive me and look at your photos and wish I’d known you forever and hear your voice in my ear and feel your skin on my skin and get scared when you’re angry and your eye has gone red and the other eye blue and your hair to the left and your face oriental and tell you you’re gorgeous and hug you when you’re anxious and hold you when you hurt and want you when I smell you and offend you when I touch you and whimper when I’m next to you and whimper when I’m not and dribble on your breast and smother you in the night and get cold when you take the blanket and hot when you don’t and melt when you smile and dissolve when you laugh and not understand why you think I’m rejecting you when I’m not rejecting you and wonder how you could think I’d ever reject you and wonder who you are but accept you anyway and tell you about the tree angel enchanted forest boy who flew across the ocean because he loved you and write poems for you and wonder why you don’t believe me and have a feeling so deep I can’t find words for it and want to buy you a kitten I’d get jealous of because it would get more attention than me and keep you in bed when you have to go and cry like a baby when you finally do and get rid of the roaches and buy you presents you don’t want and take them away again and ask you to marry me and you say no again but keep on asking because though you think I don’t mean it I do always have from the first time I asked you and wander the city thinking it’s empty without you and want want you want and think I’m losing myself but know I’m safe with you and tell you the worst of me and try to give you the best of me because you don’t deserve any less and answer your questions when I’d rather not and tell you the truth when I really don’t want to and try to be honest because I know you prefer it and think it’s all over but hang on in for just ten more minutes before you throw me out of your life and forget who I am and try to get closer to you because it’s a beautiful learning to know you and well worth the effort and speak German to you badly and Hebrew to you worse and make love with you at three in the morning and somehow somehow somehow communicate some of the overwhelming undying overpowering unconditional all-encompassing heart-enriching mind-expanding on-going never-ending love I have for you."

A’s Monologue from Crave by Sarah Kane

Bleached my hair from black to blonde, then dyed it purple and green, but it came out too dark (basically black) so I rebleached it, and it came out like this. Ngl though, I could get used to pink hair.

I can’t really describe how I feel recently. It’s difficult aha. I feel really weirdly nostalgic a lot recently, I end up talking about the same few people over and over again to friends who’ve never even met them or anything.

I messaged one of them on facebook, telling him that I know he still exists and he told me how it meant a lot to him that I still think about him and I mean a lot to him too, and we should try to meet up sometime. It’s weird.

I think I’m just freaking out a bit because a lot of my friends have gone off to uni, and I’m here like, “heeey, don’t worry about me, I’m just a college drop out, it’ll be fiiiine”. Idk what I’m gonna do next year when it’s like, people I’m actually close with going away.

I was going to apply for a job at mcdonalds, because there’s one about 5 minutes from my house, and the application said “What do you do in your spare time?” and “What’s your greatest accomplishment?” and I typed down “I don’t know” for both of them and then I gave up and closed the tab.

I still have absolutely no idea what I’m going to do with my life.

I would be more than happy just getting some shitty job, and earning enough so that I can move into some tiny studio apartment with Jordan and a couple cats and we’d be absolutely miserable, but we’d be miserable together, so it would be okay.

I’ve met this boy, and he’s absolutely perfect for me. I’ve known him just over a couple months now and I can’t even explain how he makes me feel. It used to creep me out because it was like someone had gone around to all my closest friends and asked them what would be my ideal partner be and then they found him and told him what to say as part of some elaborate practical joke, then after like a week I realised some of the things were things I hadn’t even realised I liked in a person, he’s just kind of naturally perfect for me.

I keep getting this really weird feeling, it’s hard to explain. Y’know that butterfly feeling you get when you’re nervous and you feel like you’re gonna throw up and you get all shakey, blablabla… I haven’t felt this way in years.

I feel like my past and my present is all going to crash together. That sounds so dumb, but it’s really the only way to explain it. I feel like I’m going back in time, like I should be hanging out with all the people I hung out with a couple years ago. It’s freaking me out.

I keep like, picking up my phone and feeling like there are certain people that I could just call up, and we’d talk and it’d be like no time had past at all, and then I have to sort of remind myself that we’re not friends at all and my life is better because of it.

There are some people whose lives are just like, intertwined with mine, no matter how much we don’t get on. That’s what it feels like. We could have no friends in common anymore and we could not talk for years and we could move away so that we’re on other sides of the world but there will still be something there.

I feel like I’m on the verge of figuring out what that something is, and that’s what’s making me feel so weird all the time. I’m really not sure. It’s hard to explain.

I don’t feel bad though.

I feel really really good for the first time in ages.

"The sickness felt like forever. That's the word it made him think of. Not that it would last forever; more that he was sick with time itself. Like the idea of time was inside him, in each cell of his body, and time wasn't an ocean, like somebody had told him once, but a million tiny wicks of flame that would never be extinguished. The worst feeling in the world. Someone had told him he'd be feeling better soon, much better. He'd held on to those words for a while. But now he knew they were a lie."

I’m really ill at the moment, I feel like my body is collapsing from the inside, I feel like death.

If I don’t get really fucking high really fucking soon I don’t see any point in doing anything.
Seriously.
It’s been so long.

All the scum of London are rioting at the moment and they have all these different “reasons” for it but mostly they’re just excuses for them to break in to places and steal shit. They’re burning everything down and I feel like this is how the world will end.
I was talking to Jordan a few days ago when he was freaking out about how terrible the world is, he said that the good doesn’t matter because if everything was destroyed it wouldn’t have made a difference, or something like that. You can say exactly the same about the bad though, you can say it about anything. At the end of the day nothing really matters because we’re going to burn it all down and destroy everything.

I can't be sad though because I’ve met a boy who’s perfect for me and he has a beautiful soul and I think I might love him. I've known him just over a week. Does that make any sense? He's good for me, he makes me feel like a good person, so I think it does, he's probably perfect. 

My life would be significantly better if you didn't exist. It's not enough that we don't talk anymore, just knowing that you are alive and still the same shitty person you have always been is enough to make me angry. I wish we'd never been friends. I wish I had no idea who you are.

But you don’t exist.
My friends will never meet you, I will never meet your friends. In my life you don’t make a difference to anyone but me, you might as well not be real.

My family are in Spain for two weeks, I didn't go because I know I wouldn't enjoy it, it'd be too hot.
I'm finding it hard to think right now, I don't really feel anything at the moment. I haven't felt like myself for a while now.
Ugh, I really don't know how to explain it tbh. I don't feel like my memories are my memories, I feel like I'm remembering things that happened to someone else. Even when it's things that just happened the other day, I feel like I'm remembering a story that I read in a book or something.
Yeah, I wish I knew how to sum up what I was feeling in a way that made it easy to understand and beautiful etcetc, but I'm crap, so.

I started this new blog a while ago, inspired by 365words.tumblr.com, I basically try and post something every day, like just a sentance or two, explaining how I feel or whatever. Idk so far I've missed a lot of days or just ended up rambling or whatever but I think it's a good blog. I'll probably end up posting them to here because idk, they seem relevent. But I probably won't, because they really aren't at all.

http://w-0-r-d-s.tumblr.com/

I haven't posted here in a while, idk aha. I was going to upload a recent picture but it's not working, so whatever. I'm fairly miserable at the moment and sometimes I feel like the only reason I haven't killed myself is because if I did nobody would feed my cat.

I'm reading the Anne Rice Vampire Chronicles at the moment, and I swear books have too much of an effect on my life or something.
A few weeks ago I was out with Jordan and Ash, we were all very drunk and I became hysterical, I don't remember specifics but I'm fairly sure I thought they were vampires, I got angry that they wouldn't make me a vampire, or convinced that they (or someone else) was going to very soon. Then I got miserable because if I was a vampire I'd watch everyone I love die, so I got into the Thames. It wasn't even anything dramatic, I didn't jump in, I just slid down some stairs and couldn't get back to them. It's almost scary to think how easily I almost drowned.
Then last week I was out again with friends. I was on my way to Charing Cross at around 3 in the morning when a boy stopped me and asked if he could walk with me. I think his name was Amadeo, or something like that. Amadeo is what Marius calls Armand in the Vampire Chronicles, which is rather strange. We talked about life and he told me he liked my style and he was dressed exactly how I'd like a boy to dress, he had leopard print creepers and long brown curly hair and a thick spanish accent, I swear I fell in love for the night. We kissed a little bit when we said goodbye and that was it really. He was so perfect, he was like exactly how I'd want the character Armand to be in real life, when I told my mom she thought I'd imagined him, hah.

I don't know, just little things, I'll come down from my room and the TV will be on playing some old vampire movie on a channel I didn't leave it on. I do sound a bit weird, idk. I'm taking it all way too seriously.
It makes me slightly miserable to think we could live in a world where things like vampires don't exist. I remember feeling this way when I reread the chronicles of Narnia and I realised I'd never go to Narnia.
I just need some sort of proof that the world isn't as boring as it seems.
I'm rambling now.

So angry I could vomit, I could stab myself in the chest.

Decided I’m going to stop talking to anybody who doesn’t need to be in my life. If they don’t make me happy then there’s really no point even knowing them, really. I think at first this might make me feel a bit alone but over time I will be happier because of it, and that’s important.

“you’re so beautiful”
“Are you drunk?”
“no”
“Stoned?”
“no!”
“Dying?”
“probably”

Finding this makes me fall in love with him all over again, and it makes me happy.

rthgefgewrb remember when haruhi suzumiya cosplay oh my god

Finding all these pictures from two years ago though has made me realise just how much weight I've actually gained. My face isn't chubby in them but it is now so yeah that kinda sucks a bit.

Pretty much determined to lose weight now. Tomorrow I will excercise and I won't snack and I'll have salad for dinner or something. I want to be skinny again. 

Today I met Bradley for the first time and I feel kinda bad because I was really like unenthusiastic, and I kept saying how awkward it was even though it wasn’t really that awkward. I managed to not make eye contact at all the whole day, idek why I just didn’t want to. He was at my house but that was kinda awkward and I was just on tumblr and stuff so we looked up cinema times and went to see Thor. He didn’t have a travelcard or anything and there isn’t anywhere to get on in my area and the station is in the opposite direction so we walked to the cinema which was effort but whatever, it was something to do that doesn’t involve being in my house. Yeah anyway that was pretty much it. He kept saying things like “can we cuddle / kiss / at least hold hands / will I get a hug” and I just said no because I really didn’t feel like it at all. I’m still not even sure whether or not he was joking about that or not I really don’t know. Either way I think holding hands is the most awkward and lame thing like “oh look at us we’re so cute we’re holding hands” and I’m not going to be one of those clichés like making out in a cinema and I actually wanted to watch the movie (which was shit so I don’t recommend it at all).
Anyway so overrall I came off as pissed off and unenthusiastic. He asked if I was okay like a billion times over the day. Brilliant. Never a good sign. Whatever.

Just going to post one of the days from my tumblr 30 day challenge on here because it seems relevent to the type of things I post on here. The rest are at http://lepidoctor.tumblr.com/tagged/30%20day%20challenge

Day 21. What you hope your future will be like.

For a start, I want to travel a lot, mostly when I’m young. If anyone’s read/seen Into The Wild or read about Christopher McCandless then I want it to be like that, only without dying. I want to just disappear for a while and do amazing things that I’ll remember forever and nobody will ever know where I went unless I tell them. At some point in my life I want to volunteer somewhere for a charity and help people somehow. When I’m an old woman I want to know that I did something good with my life.
I’m hoping that at some point I’d fall in love. Real love where it lasts forever. If I ever get married and have kids (and I definitely want kids, even if I never find love and get married I want to have children somehow) then I want to move to france, or norway or somewhere that I find beautiful. I’ve always thought france but I love norway too (I am norwegian) and I think norway would make my grandparents happy. My children would speak french/norwegian at school and english at home and when they’re going to start secondary school or something we’d move them to London or New York or some big beautiful city because I don’t think you can really be a teenager and not grow up in a city.
When I’m an old lady I want to move to St Bees, it’s a little seaside village in cumbria where my grandparents live now and where my dad/aunt/uncle grew up when they moved to england from norway. It’s my favourite place in the world.
I don’t mind if the second part doesn’t happen, but I’m going to travel while I’m young and live in St Bees while I’m old.

It's easter and I thought eating some chocolate might make me feel better but now I just feel sick as well as miserable.

Just gonna make a post about what happened last night.

• We met at southbank, there was an “mcrmy meetup” near us which was pretty funny to watch. We got alcohol, started drinking.
• Got more alcohol, got drunk. Talked to a few of the mcr people ahah.
• My friend called me up asked if I wanted to go meet her in camden, normally I hate going to camden but whatever.
• From here I don’t really remember too much, I saw some people I used to know when I was like 13. This one guy had a dog so I was just sitting on the ground playing with that for a while, it licked my face and stuff ahah.
• Made out with these two girls and I’m pretty sure we did stuff in a pub toilets, I’m not too sure. I think all this was before the dog thing though actually LOL.
• My other friend called up asked if I wanted to come round, I said I didn’t have any money for a travelcard and he said I should just get a taxi and he’d pay for it, so I did that then when I was in his area he wasn’t picking up. I was so pissed. So I called my dad and went to his and on the way there my friend called me like “I was downstairs where are you now come back” but I was pissed off and tired so I just went to my dad’s. Anyone who knows me knows this is crazy because I don’t see him at all ever.
• Got drunker, had wine, smoked, talked, listen to music, idek.
• Woke up, got dressed, threw up loads, had a shower. My brother came over, we went to the pub and I got some food.

Decided I should finally fill in more of my facebook profile.

Got these beautiful things today, they're bronze docs for anyone who can't tell. Pretty happy about that.
I feel pretty sad though recently, idk, sucks a bit, but I'll probaby feel better soon.
I've got about 12 disposable cameras lying around, from last year until about now. Idk when I'll get around to developing them. I also found a few old ones when I swapped rooms with my sister last week, no idea when they're from. I've got the ones from america too and the ones from last weekend when we went to france.
I'm going to a party tomorrow, hopefully that'll be good. I need to go to a good party.

Haven't been on this in a while, first thing I should probably mention is I'm not dating that girl anymore.
I've got my laptop back (obviously) and my new ipod arrived and I've swapped rooms with my sister.
I'm getting my hair cut tomorrow, pretty short. I'll post a picture of what I'm going to do to it:

Yeah so I'm doing it like that. It might not suit me but it's too hot for my hair to be this long and it's got to the point where I don't care so much. I pretty much tie my hair up every day now anyway so.
I feel miserable recently.

So atm I’m dating this girl, and tbh idk if I want to be. By the time I next post a /personal/ post or whatever I probably won't be, which is why I hate writing personal posts and shit, but whatever.
I can’t stand relationships, especially when I don’t feel like I actually have strong feelings for that person. I enjoy like going to parties with her and getting drunk and doing stuff but like, idk, I feel like that’s it. I mean I know it’s not cuz we text every day and I think that’s good too, like I get on with her well, but she feels more like a friend than a girlfriend. And she asked me out when I was drunk so of course I thought it was a great idea to say yes but now I just feel awkward. For a start she lives in essex which is ridiculously far and I’m not bothered.
I know I need to talk to her about this but I just don’t know how, so far all I’ve done is like, not reply as much to her texts and just avoided talking about everything, idek. I’m a terrible person ahah.
I’m just worried because the last couple relationships I’ve been in I’ve felt this way and I’ve ended up absolutely hating the person. Normally I wouldn’t have but because I didn’t like them and we were dating it made me feel terrible and that dislike just grew and grew until I couldn’t stand them at all. I don’t want that to happen with her. I don’t want it to happen with anybody really, I hate when it does.
Urgh, it’s making me feel absolutely shit.

Miserable.

This is pretty old, but whatever.

So, this is my third blog on this site lol. The others are terrible and I don't remember the passwords or emails or anything. I was a bit pissed cuz grizzlytales was already taken so I had to use 3 "z"s, which is a bit shit.
I doubt I'll use this much tbh because I have a tumblr and tumblr is so much better, but whatever.