Tuesday, 26 July 2011

My life would be significantly better if you didn't exist. It's not enough that we don't talk anymore, just knowing that you are alive and still the same shitty person you have always been is enough to make me angry. I wish we'd never been friends. I wish I had no idea who you are.

Monday, 25 July 2011

But you don’t exist.
My friends will never meet you, I will never meet your friends. In my life you don’t make a difference to anyone but me, you might as well not be real.
My family are in Spain for two weeks, I didn't go because I know I wouldn't enjoy it, it'd be too hot.
I'm finding it hard to think right now, I don't really feel anything at the moment. I haven't felt like myself for a while now.
Ugh, I really don't know how to explain it tbh. I don't feel like my memories are my memories, I feel like I'm remembering things that happened to someone else. Even when it's things that just happened the other day, I feel like I'm remembering a story that I read in a book or something.
Yeah, I wish I knew how to sum up what I was feeling in a way that made it easy to understand and beautiful etcetc, but I'm crap, so.

Tuesday, 19 July 2011

I started this new blog a while ago, inspired by 365words.tumblr.com, I basically try and post something every day, like just a sentance or two, explaining how I feel or whatever. Idk so far I've missed a lot of days or just ended up rambling or whatever but I think it's a good blog. I'll probably end up posting them to here because idk, they seem relevent. But I probably won't, because they really aren't at all.

I haven't posted here in a while, idk aha. I was going to upload a recent picture but it's not working, so whatever. I'm fairly miserable at the moment and sometimes I feel like the only reason I haven't killed myself is because if I did nobody would feed my cat.

I'm reading the Anne Rice Vampire Chronicles at the moment, and I swear books have too much of an effect on my life or something.
A few weeks ago I was out with Jordan and Ash, we were all very drunk and I became hysterical, I don't remember specifics but I'm fairly sure I thought they were vampires, I got angry that they wouldn't make me a vampire, or convinced that they (or someone else) was going to very soon. Then I got miserable because if I was a vampire I'd watch everyone I love die, so I got into the Thames. It wasn't even anything dramatic, I didn't jump in, I just slid down some stairs and couldn't get back to them. It's almost scary to think how easily I almost drowned.
Then last week I was out again with friends. I was on my way to Charing Cross at around 3 in the morning when a boy stopped me and asked if he could walk with me. I think his name was Amadeo, or something like that. Amadeo is what Marius calls Armand in the Vampire Chronicles, which is rather strange. We talked about life and he told me he liked my style and he was dressed exactly how I'd like a boy to dress, he had leopard print creepers and long brown curly hair and a thick spanish accent, I swear I fell in love for the night. We kissed a little bit when we said goodbye and that was it really. He was so perfect, he was like exactly how I'd want the character Armand to be in real life, when I told my mom she thought I'd imagined him, hah.

I don't know, just little things, I'll come down from my room and the TV will be on playing some old vampire movie on a channel I didn't leave it on. I do sound a bit weird, idk. I'm taking it all way too seriously.
It makes me slightly miserable to think we could live in a world where things like vampires don't exist. I remember feeling this way when I reread the chronicles of Narnia and I realised I'd never go to Narnia.
I just need some sort of proof that the world isn't as boring as it seems.
I'm rambling now.